My eyes burned, "Dammit! WHAT!?" I realized at that moment what I had been doing. "Tufer! You can't cut that log any smaller !" I heard Ony reply, somewhat agitated now. I looked at the ax in my hand, then at the log-turned-twig in front of me. "Ony, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean---" She cut me off, "Its fine, Tufer. I completely understand. Its fine." As she had started to walk away, I decided I should start gathering the wood that was salvageable for a fire tonight. Just as she thought she was out of earshot, I could hear her say, "Tufer...I worry about you just as much as you worry about me. I'm afraid you are losing yourself....and I'm losing you too..."
Those words stabbed into my soul. Dammit Tufer, you are supposed to be protecting her. Helping her. Not freaking her out and getting her upset. "Don't worry, Ony, soon I'll fix everything, and you can be happy."
Sleep wasn't happening that night. I couldn't tell if it was from the storm raging outside, or if it was from the one inside my head. Neither storm seemed to bother Ony at all she was completely out on the bed. I was glad that at least one of us was at peace tonight.
I paced back and forth wrapped up in my own thoughts. Looking over at her asleep, I felt guilty for hiding so much from her. I had ulterior motives for training every day alone. I used that time to hunt for the location of that demon, Garou. Earlier that day, before the "log splitting" incident, I had found him at last. I was tired of hiding, tired of feeling beaten and hopeless. Tonight I would avenge Pop and Ony's family. Tonight I end this. Most importantly, after tonight, Ony would be safe.
A flash of lightning, crackle of thunder, and I headed for the door.
"Tufer? What are you doing?" Ony said, half asleep, "Go to bed, Tufer."
"I'm just going out for a night time walk...err...in the rain, I'll be right back. Everything is fine, just go back to sleep."
"Stop, Tufer." I froze and turned around, the tone in her voice had shifted. "I know what you are doing. I'm begging you, Tufer, do not go through with this. Think clearly for a moment...There is no point to doing any of this!"
"No Point?! Dammit, Ony, I'm tired of running away from this! I have to find them and finish what they started! I swore an oath to you and Pop that I would protect you! I failed! Now the only way to fix that is to kill them for what they have done!"
"And what will that do, Tufer? Bring Pop back? Bring my family back? No! It won't! Screw your oath, Tufer! Do you only care about me because it is your made up duty? What good does your oath do if you go out there and die tonight?"
"No, Ony, you don't understand. I have to do this....I have to protect you."
"And killing those werewolves is protecting me, right? Shit, Tufer, listen to yourself! I don't and never have needed you to protect me! You know that is true. Cut the bullshit with me, you and I both know that you feel doing this resolves you of your guilt. And I get that, I really do. The fact is, though, you aren't guilty of anything. Is resolving your imaginary guilt more important than staying here and moving on with our lives?"
We stared at each other for what seemed like forever. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. "I'm sorry, Ony. One day I hope you can forgive me. I have to do this," I calmly spoke as I walked out of the burrow. The rain drenched my fur, my ears flopped to the sides. Lightning streaked all across the sky. I couldn't understand what Ony was yelling at me because the thunder covered her screams. I walked and never looked back. The shadow had gripped my soul enough that I only cared about one thing, fulfilling my goal. Killing Garou. Ending this. Ending my suffering.
That was the biggest mistake of my short life.